Before You Call Me The Villain

The Bible asks a question in Matthew 7 that I believe we all need to sit with from time to time:

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” Matthew 7:3–5 (NIV)

Sometimes it is easier to tell the story of what someone did to us than to acknowledge what we did to them.

We talk about how they changed

How they stopped calling

How they became distant

How they stopped showing up

How they stopped giving us the same access to them

But do we ever stop long enough to ask, “What happened before the shift?”

Accountability requires us to look beyond someone's reaction and examine whether our actions contributed to it.

I cannot count the number of times I have found myself cast as the villain in someone else's story while my hurt was completely left out of the narrative. People saw my distance but didn't acknowledge what caused me to step back. They noticed the boundary but ignored what happened before the boundary became necessary. They talked about my response while overlooking the behavior that preceded it.

I've learned that sometimes people are more offended by your response to their behavior than they are convicted by the behavior itself.

For years, I've told my children that actions have reactions and consequences. I wanted them to understand that the way we treat people matters. Our choices can strengthen relationships, or they can damage trust, change feelings, and create distance.

The Bible reminds us:

“Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.”  Galatians 6:7 (NIV)

There is another principle I've learned to live by, and it's actually one Jesus gave us: Don't do anything to me that you would not want done to you.

Jesus said:

“So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.”  Matthew 7:12 (NIV)

It sounds simple, but imagine how different our relationships would be if we actually lived it.

Before you lie to someone, ask yourself how you would feel being lied to

Before you betray someone's trust, consider how betrayal would feel to you

Before you dismiss someone's feelings, ask whether you would want your feelings dismissed

Before you speak carelessly, consider how those same words would feel if they were spoken to you

Before you mishandle someone's heart, think about how you would want your own heart handled

Don't demand from people the honesty, loyalty, consideration, grace, and respect that you are unwilling to give them. You cannot continually treat someone carelessly and expect them to continue making unlimited space for you.

You cannot repeatedly dismiss someone's feelings and then become offended when they stop sharing them.

You cannot break trust and demand the same access you had before it was broken.

You cannot knowingly touch someone's wounds and then act surprised when they begin protecting themselves.

And you cannot expect someone to accept behavior from you that you would never tolerate from them.

This becomes even more important when we claim to love someone.

When you truly know a person, you begin to understand their heart. You learn what makes them smile, what makes them feel safe, what hurts them, what frightens them, and what wounds they have carried.

That knowledge should make us more careful with someone's heart not less.

Paul writes: “But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all surpassing power is from God and not from us.”  2 Corinthians 4:7 (NIV)

We are vessels of clay. Human beings can be incredibly strong in some places and incredibly fragile in others.

Caring about someone means caring about their entire being not simply what they can provide for us.

It means considering their needs alongside our own. It means being willing to say: “I hurt you. I understand why what I did affected you. I am sorry.”

Not, “I'm sorry you feel that way.” Not an apology followed by excuses. Not an apology because you don't like the consequences. And not an apology simply because you want your access to that person restored.

A sincere apology acknowledges the hurt and is followed by changed behavior.

Scripture tells us: “Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.”  2 Corinthians 7:10 (NIV)

Real accountability isn't simply feeling bad because there were consequences. It is recognizing the harm, taking responsibility, and being willing to change the behavior that caused it.

And sometimes, even after an apology, the relationship may never return to what it once was. Forgiveness does not automatically restore access.

An apology does not erase consequences. And reconciliation requires more than someone wanting everything to “go back to normal.” It requires honesty, accountability, changed behavior, restored trust, and two people willing to rebuild what was damaged.

Sometimes the consequence of mishandling someone is discovering that they no longer have the capacity to be handled that way.

That doesn't necessarily make either person the villain.

Sometimes something happened that changed the relationship. So before we tell everyone how someone changed on us, perhaps we should ask ourselves.

Did I contribute to the change?

Before focusing on the speck in their eye, have I examined the plank in mine?

Before calling myself the victim, have I acknowledged the places where I caused hurt?

Before demanding an apology, have I sincerely offered one?

Before complaining about someone's boundary, have I considered what made that boundary necessary?

And before becoming angry about how someone treated me, have I asked myself. Would I want what I did to them done to me?

That's where Matthew 7 becomes so powerful. Matthew 7:3–5 tells me to examine myself.

Matthew 7:12 tells me to consider how I treat others. Together, they require something many of us struggle with.

Accountability!!

And this examination goes both ways. I have to be willing to ask myself these same questions.

Spiritual maturity means I cannot demand accountability from others while refusing to practice it myself.

I cannot ask God to expose everyone else's wrongdoing while asking Him to overlook mine.

Sometimes the most powerful prayer we can pray isn't “God, show them what they did to me.”

Sometimes the prayer needs to be “God, show me me.” Show me where I was wrong. Show me where pride prevented me from apologizing.

Show me where my needs made me insensitive to someone else's. Show me where I expected something from another person that I wasn't willing to give. Show me where I mishandled a heart You entrusted me to love.

And give me enough humility to make it right. Because maybe the goal isn't proving who was the villain.

Maybe the goal is becoming more like Christ.

Prayer

Father God,

Thank You for loving us enough to correct us and giving us grace when we fall short. Help us not to become so focused on the faults of others that we refuse to examine ourselves.

Lord, show us the planks in our own eyes. Reveal the places where our words, choices, selfishness, pride, or lack of consideration have wounded someone else. Give us the humility to acknowledge when we are wrong and the courage to apologize sincerely without excuses or justification.

Teach us to treat others the way we desire to be treated. Before we speak, act, lie, judge, dismiss, betray, or respond carelessly, remind us to consider how those same actions would feel if they were directed toward us.

Teach us to handle people's hearts with care. Remind us that the people we love are precious vessels carrying experiences, wounds, hopes, fears, and feelings that deserve compassion.

When relationships have been damaged, give us wisdom to know what can be restored, grace to accept what cannot return to what it once was, and maturity to respect the boundaries created by our choices.

When we have been hurt, keep bitterness from taking root in our hearts. Help us extend forgiveness while still walking in wisdom and discernment.

And whenever I become tempted to focus only on what someone else needs to change, give me the courage to pray:

God, show me me!

Create in me a clean heart. Renew a right spirit within me. Teach me to love others the way I desire to be loved, and continue transforming me into the person You have called me to be.

In Jesus' powerful name I pray,
Amen