When Gratitude and Sadness Live in the Same Heart

Sometimes there is a level of sadness that comes over me that literally takes my breath away. In moments of silence, I find myself thinking back over my life and wondering: What moment in my childhood could have made a difference so that I wouldn't have to carry this sadness today? Did growing up without the love I needed damage me in ways I am still trying to heal from?

I'm being very transparent which is not easy for me but I've learned that sometimes deliverance begins with transparency. We cannot heal what we are unwilling to acknowledge.

I recently heard a sermon where the speaker compared healing to surgery. Sometimes a surgeon has to cut in order to remove what is diseased so that healing can begin. That analogy touched with me because I feel like I'm in a season where God is helping me cut into some of the deeper places of my heart not to hurt me, but to finally heal what I've carried for years.

Don't get me wrong. I am extremely grateful. I'm grateful for where I am, for everything I've overcome, and for the woman I've become. Yet I recognize there are still things I need to overcome in order to experience healing in certain areas of my heart.

There are events in my life that taught me to remain in defensive mode. Pain and disappointment have made emotional safety extremely important to me. Hurt taught me how to build walls, protect myself, and sometimes expect disappointment before it even arrives.

But I don't want survival to be my permanent way of living. Psalm 34:18 (NLT) says: “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.”

That Scripture reminds me that God isn't disappointed by the places in me that still hurt. He comes close to them.

When I look at myself today, I see how much I have to give. I see my gifts, the love I have to offer, the purpose God has placed inside of me, and the life I'm creating. Part of me is incredibly proud.

And another part of me is still sad. I've had to learn that both can be true. I can be grateful and still be healing. I can love God and still have questions. I can have joy and still experience sadness.

I can be proud of how far I've come while acknowledging there are places in me that still need God's healing touch.

There are days when I'm in a wonderful place, joyful, hopeful, excited about my future. Then there are days when I need to shut down because everything I'm feeling becomes overwhelming.

And yes, I beat myself up sometimes. My therapist has told me more than once that I need to give myself more grace. During one session, while I was criticizing myself over decisions that brought me some of my deepest pain, she told me: “You made those decisions based on the information you were given and what you needed in the moment.”

But I still wondered: Why did other people seem to get it right the first time when I couldn't? I'm learning that maybe that's the wrong question.

Maybe instead of asking why I didn't know then what I know now, I need to appreciate the woman who survived long enough to learn it.

Romans 8:1 (NLT) says: “So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.” If God gives me grace, I have to learn how to give myself grace too.

I cannot continue judging yesterday's version of myself with today's wisdom. Healing doesn't mean pretending the past didn't hurt. It means refusing to allow what happened in the past to determine what happens next.

I'm still healing. I'm still learning. I'm still allowing God to show me the places where walls need to come down and where healthy boundaries need to remain.

And even in those moments when sadness finds me, I am grateful.

Because through every disappointment, every mistake, every heartbreak, every question, and every season when I wasn't sure how I would make it through God kept me.

Maybe that's what I need to remember most. I don't have to have everything healed today to believe that healing is happening.

I don't have to have every answer to trust God with my future. And I don't have to be ashamed of the parts of my heart that still hurt.

I'm giving those parts to God too.

Prayer

Father God, thank You for keeping me through every season of my life. Thank You for loving me through the parts of my story I understand and the parts I still struggle to accept.

Lord, I give You the sadness I sometimes don't know how to explain. I give You the childhood wounds, disappointments, regrets, fears, and decisions I continue to replay in my mind.

Help me give myself the same grace You continually give me.

Heal the places in my heart that still hurt. Show me which walls need to come down and give me wisdom to know which boundaries need to remain. Help me stop living in anticipation of the next hurt and teach me how to receive the joy, love, peace, and life You have for me.

When sadness comes, remind me that it does not define me. When I begin condemning myself, remind me that I am covered by Your grace. And when I look backward with regret, help me also see how faithfully You carried me forward.

I may still be healing, but I am hopeful. I may still have difficult days, but I am grateful.

And above everything else, I am still here because You kept me.

Continue healing my heart and leading me into everything You created me to become.

In Jesus' powerful name, I pray and believe.
Amen.